Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
