So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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