when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I love you.
Bad choice
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
