If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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