I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
