my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
