Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
