Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Randomize
