wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
