Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
