I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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