The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
