First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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