I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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