i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
