The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
