Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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