first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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