what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
