Im at strip club and am horny
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
