i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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