I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
