my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
