I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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