Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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