Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
