lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
