Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
