I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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