so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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