why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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