At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
