Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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