Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
