Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
