Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
