Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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