Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
