Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
