I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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