I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
