I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
