she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
