Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
