You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
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Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
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Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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