I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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