I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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