Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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