I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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