Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
