I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
