i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
