please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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