So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
