M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
